Before We Talk About the Guilt…
Let's talk about the plan. You know the one..
The beautifully organised motherhood plan you had before your baby arrived. You'd breastfeed. Baby would latch perfectly. You'd eat nutritious meals, drink enough water, and somehow remember where you put your phone.
Then your baby arrived. And suddenly you were googling “is it normal for a newborn to make that noise?” at 2:17 in the morning. Motherhood has a funny way of reminding us that plans are lovely, but babies have other ideas.
Breastfeeding can be a wonderful experience, and it has well-established health benefits for babies and moms. The World Health Organization recommends exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months, followed by complementary foods alongside continued breastfeeding up to two years or beyond.
But knowing the recommendation and being able to follow it are two very different things!
Sometimes Breastfeeding Just Doesn't Go to Plan
I was incredibly lucky to breastfeed both of my babies from the beginning.
With my firstborn, I breastfed for eight months before illness meant I had to stop. With my second, I breastfed for four months. Then my mom suddenly passed away. The grief, stress and everything that came with losing her made breastfeeding incredibly difficult for me, and my milk supply became a struggle. Eventually, I had to move over to formula.
That wasn't the feeding journey I had imagined. But life doesn't always care about our beautifully written plans.
Illness, stress, anxiety, depression, separation from your baby, difficulties with attachment, certain medications, previous breast surgery and other circumstances can all affect breastfeeding or milk supply.
Sometimes there is a straightforward solution with the right support. And sometimes, despite doing everything you can, things still don't work out the way you hoped.
Breastfeeding Isn't a Test You Pass or Fail
This is where I think we need to take a giant step back from the guilt.
Breastfeeding isn't an exam. There isn't a little person standing at the end saying, “Congratulations, you made it to six months. Here's your certificate.” And there certainly isn't one saying, “Sorry, you only made it to four months. Please report to the Mum Guilt Department.”
Your breastfeeding journey is just that:
YOUR journey.
- Some moms breastfeed for days.
- Some for months.
- Some for years.
- Some pump.
- Some combination-feed.
- Some formula-feed.
- And some desperately want to breastfeed but simply can't.
The length of your breastfeeding journey is not a measurement of how much you love your baby.
Your Body Is Not a Vending Machine
There is a common idea that if a mom just tries hard enough, eats the right foods, drinks enough water and pumps constantly, her milk supply will magically cooperate. Unfortunately, bodies don't work quite that neatly.
Milk production is influenced by how frequently and effectively milk is removed, along with many other factors. Problems with attachment, illness, separation from your baby and stress or anxiety can all play a role. So if breastfeeding was difficult for you, it doesn't automatically mean you didn't try hard enough.
You can do everything “right” and still have a feeding journey that looks completely different from the one you imagined. And that can be incredibly hard to accept.
And Sometimes Pumping Is Part of the Journey
For some moms, breastfeeding doesn't always mean feeding directly at the breast.
A breast pump can be useful when you're separated from your baby, returning to work, wanting another caregiver to give a bottle of expressed milk, or simply finding that expressing works better for your circumstances. Expressing breast milk can be another way of providing breast milk when direct breastfeeding isn't possible at that moment.
And if pumping is part of your breastfeeding journey, we have a breast pump at Sticky Floor Society too.
Not because every mom needs one, not because buying a pump guarantees breastfeeding success and, definitely not because we think you should keep pushing yourself when breastfeeding isn't working for you.
It's simply another tool that may make things a little easier for moms who want to express.
Explore our Breast Pump → https://stickyfloorsociety.co.za/products/freeflow-wearable-breast-pump
Motherhood already comes with enough things to figure out. Your pump doesn't need to make the list longer.
Formula Doesn't Mean You Gave Up
Let's talk about formula without whispering about it like it's a naughty word. Infant formula is an established alternative way of feeding babies when breast milk isn't available or breastfeeding isn't possible.
It doesn't contain all the same components as human milk, and it doesn't provide the same immune benefits associated with breastfeeding. That's an important scientific fact.
But another important fact is this:
A mom who uses formula has not failed.
- Sometimes formula is introduced alongside breastfeeding.
- Sometimes it becomes the main source of milk.
- Sometimes it is needed because of medical circumstances.
- Sometimes it is simply what works for a particular family.
And when formula is being used, it should be prepared exactly according to the product instructions, with careful attention to hygiene and safe preparation. There is no shame in using a feeding method that your baby needs.
You Are Allowed to Be Sad About It!
This one matters. You can know that your baby is okay and still feel sad that breastfeeding didn't work out. You can be grateful for the time you did breastfeed and still wish you'd had longer. You can understand why you had to stop and still feel emotional about it.
Those feelings don't make you ungrateful. And they certainly don't make you a bad mom. I had to learn this myself.. I had breastfed my first baby for eight months, I had breastfed my second for four then suddenly, life changed.
I wasn't just dealing with feeding a baby. I was grieving my mom.
Sometimes motherhood asks you to keep functioning while your heart is completely broken. If your feeding journey changed during a difficult season of your life, please give yourself some grace. You were living through something. You were not failing at something.
The Goal Was Always to Care for Your Baby
When we get caught up in the breastfeeding debate, it can be easy to forget what we're actually trying to do.
- Feed the baby.
- Keep the baby healthy.
- Help the baby grow.
- Comfort the baby.
- Love the baby.
That's it!
Breastfeeding has important benefits, and moms who want to breastfeed deserve proper support to make that possible. WHO specifically recommends evidence-based breastfeeding support for families.
But supporting breastfeeding and shaming moms who cannot breastfeed are two completely different things. We can encourage breastfeeding without turning it into a weapon. We can acknowledge its benefits without making another mom feel like she has failed. And we can support moms without judging the circumstances they are living through.
Your Baby Won't Remember the Tin of Formula
Your baby won't grow up thinking: “You know what really bothered me about my childhood? Mum used formula after four months.”
Your child is going to remember:
- Being loved.
- Being cuddled.
- Being comforted.
- Being read to.
- Being kissed goodnight.
- Being picked up when they cried.
- Being celebrated when they took their first steps.
- Being told, probably approximately 4,000 times, “Don't touch that.”
They won't know whether you breastfed for four months, eight months, twelve months or not at all. What matters throughout childhood is so much bigger than the way milk was delivered during infancy. And if your baby needed formula? You fed your baby. That's not failure! That's parenting.
So, Mama, Put the Guilt Down
If you're breastfeeding and it's going beautifully, we're cheering you on. If you're breastfeeding and finding it incredibly difficult, please ask for help from a qualified healthcare professional or breastfeeding specialist.
- If you're pumping, we're cheering you on.
- If you're combination feeding, we're cheering you on.
- If you're formula feeding, we're cheering you on.
- If you planned to breastfeed for a year and made it four months, we're cheering you on.
- If you planned to breastfeed and couldn't, we're cheering you on.
Because motherhood isn't about getting every single thing right. It's about adapting when life throws you a curveball.
My babies were breastfed for as long as I was able to breastfeed them. Then life happened. I changed the plan, I fed my babies, I loved my babies and, I kept going!
So if you're sitting there feeling guilty because your breastfeeding journey didn't look the way you imagined, please remember this:
You didn't fail. Breastfed. Formula-fed. Both.
However your baby was fed, Mama, you are still the one who showed up. And that counts for a whole lot.
Sources & further reading
- World Health Organization (WHO) — Infant and young child feeding: Current recommendations and evidence on breastfeeding and infant nutrition.
- WHO — Exclusive breastfeeding: Evidence and recommendations regarding exclusive breastfeeding during the first six months.
- WHO — Breastfeeding Q&A: Guidance on breastfeeding, milk supply and infant feeding.
- NHS — Is my baby getting enough milk?: Information on milk supply and factors that can affect breastfeeding, including illness, stress, anxiety and feeding difficulties.
- NHS — Milk supply: Evidence-based information about milk production and feeding frequency.
Images in this article were AI-generated and are used for illustrative purposes only. They do not depict real people, experiences, or medical situations.